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Q: What type of chart does a bakery use?
A: Pie Chart
Q: What type of chart does a tavern use?
A: Bar Chart
Q: What type of chart does a shipyard use?
A: C Chart
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New! You
have the family org chart posted on the refrigerator
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New! Your
kids have a training matrix show what must be accomplished in order to
reach their next birthday!
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You ask to see the Gage R&R before you allow your
blood pressure to be checked
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you consider yourself well dressed if your socks match
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>you buy your spouse the complete set of ISO 9000:2000,
or the AIAG Supplier Seven Pack
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you can write and talk at the same time, use ergonomic
pens, but still get writer's cramp
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you have a non-ISO/QS vocabulary of 800 words
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you have a checklist for everything
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you can cite the ISO 9001 standard and the QS-9000
requirements, right down to the sub-clause, but not your own shirt
size
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you issue nonconformities to everyone including
hotels, airlines, restaurants, rental car agencies, your paperboy,
etc. whether you are auditing them or not
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you say, "How do you know that?", "Do
you have any objective evidence to support that?" when all they
say was, "Gee, isn't it a nice day?"
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you speak and they get the feeling that they're having
a conversation with the IRS or Detective Columbo
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you can read any and all documents upside down and
right to left
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you know the ABC's of compromise from A to B
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you leave you car running and facing 2away from the
building during the closing or wrap-up meeting
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your briefcase contains a Phillips screwdriver, a copy
of both ISO 9001:1994 and ISO 9001:2000, a copy of QS-9000, half of a
peanut butter sandwich and a Snicker bar
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you really don't find any of the above all that funny!
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10. Assessors accompany you to the audit wearing a giant
bunny suit
9. The invoice arrives before the audit team does
8. Your registrar sends your quality manual back with Bible verses
taped to selected pages, and a note that says, ""You ain't got
a prayer!"
7. The lead auditor is arrested for picking through your dumpster
the night before the opening meeting
6. Your registrar develops new bionic noncompliance reports which
are generated by brain waves as the auditor drives by your plant
5. Your assessor interviews on the challenged and disgruntled
employees
4. Your lead auditor demonstrates your defective products at the
closing meeting, then tries to sell them to the highest bidder
3. Your lead auditor offers to buy you a coffee when you already
have one
2. The lead auditor presents your CEO with several Wash 'n Wipes
as eh scans the latest management review records
And the top sign you hired a bad registrar:
1. Your lead auditor infects you network with a
virus when the audit report is downloaded from the laptop
Other signs: Your auditor attempts to obtain
permission for wiretaps during the surveillance audit.
Your auditor begins the surveillance audit by sitting across the street
in a van with heavily tinted windows.
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10. While ordering a Happy Meal at McDonalds drive-through, you were
able to incorporate the words empower, paradigm, and systemic.
9. Tattooed on you left arm is a fishbone chart, and on your right arm,
a pareto chart.
8. As part of your prenuptial agreement, you have asked your fiancée
for a copy of her complaint files, and you have begun referring to her
mother as a “subcontractor”.
7. Several of your employees think that Malcolm BALDridge was the first
president of the Hair Club for Men.
6. You have set up a quarantine area in your kitchen for meals prepared
by your spouse that do not meet your specifications!
5. Your quality consultant thinks that carving his initials on the
picnic table outside your office is what is referred to as
“benchmarking”.
4. Your quality manager thinks the term “re-engineering” is
something that happens after two trains collide.
3. Your management representative has confused Juran and Deming with
Bartles and James.
2. Before leaving your car at the local garage for a tune-up, you ask to
see your mechanic’s procedures and work instructions.
And the top sign you've been working too hard on your registration:
1. Your household was certified to ISO 9000 before your plant was!
Thanks to our friends at NSF-ISR
for supplying us this list!
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