They say:  COMPETITIVE SALARY
They mean:  We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

They say:   JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY
They mean:  We have no time to train you.

They say:   CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
They mean:  We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well; a couple of the  real daring guys wear earrings.

They say:   MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
They mean:  You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

They say:   SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
 They mean:  Some time each night and some time each weekend.

They say:  DUTIES WILL VARY
 They mean:  Anyone in the office can boss you around.

They say:  MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
They mean:   We have no quality control.

They say:  CAREER-MINDED
They mean:   Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

They say:  APPLY IN PERSON
They mean:   If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

They say:  NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
They mean:   We have filled the job with a friend. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

They say:  SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
They mean:   You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

They say:  PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
They mean:   You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

They say:  REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
They mean:   You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or  respect.

They say:  GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
They mean:   Management communicates, you try to figure out what they want.

What applicants say and what they mean:

They say:  I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION
They mean:   I've used Microsoft Office.

They say:  I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE
They mean:   I pilfer only small quantities of office supplies.

They say:  MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES
They mean:   I hope you don't ask me about all the Jobs I've had.

They say:  I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK
They mean:   I blame others for my mistakes.

They say:  I'M PERSONABLE
They mean:   I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

They say:  I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL
They mean:   I carry a Day-Timer.

They say:  I AM ADAPTABLE
They mean:   I've changed jobs a lot.

They say:  I AM ON THE GO
They mean:   I'm never at my desk